Any of you reading this who have endured the loss of someone very close will understand just how complex of a process grieving is. How do the mind and heart process the absence of someone who had been present for a lifetime in love, laughter and close relationship?
The bereaved can go from a onslaught of tears that seem to hit at the most random and inopportune time (in the grocery store, as a recent example of mine), to later the same day, the bubbling up of laughter at the fond memories held with the one they lost.
Then there is the denial. "Is this really happening? When am I going to wake up from this bad dream....surely this must just be a nightmare?"
And the guilt. "I should have taken her to the ER when she was visiting and in pain. Maybe they'd have taken it more seriously at a city ER, than at their country hospital. Maybe they would have caught it earlier and this would have gone differently."
Anger is another commonly felt emotion associated with grief. Anger at the unfairness of life. Anger at prayers that seemingly went unanswered, while the prayers for others' loved ones resulted in healing. Sometimes, if we are honest with ourselves, even anger at God.
Then there is the emptiness and ache at the thought of never seeing that person at another family holiday gathering. Never hearing their voice on the phone again. Never walking, or hiking, or playing a game of Scrabble together.
A whirlwind of emotions in the midst of the "twilight zone." This is grief.
As I journey on this new path of grief in my own life, I have felt all of these emotions and more juxtaposed against the urging of my heart toward an emotion/attitude of a contrasting nature: gratitude.
How can grief and gratitude co-exist in a heart broken by loss?
If the many emotions of grief are the waves in this storm, gratitude is the anchor that will keep the boat of my life from drifting away and being lost at sea or dashed upon the rocks.
There is a Bible verse that is often misinterpreted and given to people in a callous way during times such as these:
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Often times this is misinterpreted to mean, "give thanks for all circumstances,"as if the loss of our loved one was somehow a heavenly gift doled out by a callous, unfeeling God for our own betterment somehow. I wholeheartedly reject such a notion. Yeshua (Jesus) himself wept with Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus lay dead in the tomb. He wept in the garden in anticipation of the terrible suffering he was about to endure at Calvary. We do not serve an unfeeling or a flippant God.
However, I do believe that the essence of the message to "give thanks in all circumstances" points to that anchoring and uplifting power of gratitude over our soul in times such as these.
Habakkuk 3:17-19 says,
"Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines;Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls—Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills."
I have wrestled with many thoughts and emotions since losing my only sister two weeks ago. Deep and penetrating sadness. Anger at the medical establishment that gaslit and ignored her severe symptoms when she first went to the doctor; dismissing her and thereby allowing the cancer to grow unchecked until it was untreatable. Denial that this is actually happening.
And yet, on the other hand, I can look back and see how the Lord was present and working in her life even until the very end. I can choose to see how He spoke to us in dreams and visions, that though her life on earth would be cut short, her eternal rest is a beautiful reality that can comfort our hearts. I can be so grateful for the gift of the brief rally she had that allowed me to talk to her on the phone, to say "I love you," and to hear "I love you, too" back... and to even joke and hear her delightful laugh one more time. I can see the love with which she was surrounded in her final hours, surrounded by friends and family singing and praising God, and how she "fell asleep" two Shabbats ago peacefully and without any struggle. I can see these things as gifts and miracles in themsleves.
Yes, the logical mind wants to rationalize away these nuggets of comfort and say, "Well, they are just coincidences. You're inventing a paradigm or a narrative just to make yourself feel better. What does God have to do with any of that?"
In this case, I choose to align myself with the words of Albert Einstein when he said,
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
The former attitude, in my current circumstance of grief, will steer my ship into a sea of despair and a feeling of abandonment. The latter attitude, my soul firmly anchored in seeing God at work even amidst the most devastating of circumstances, will hold me fast to the solid Rock of God's steadfast and immutable love.
Though the tears may fall like rain; though the anger may rage as an uncaged lion; and though the doubts may swirl around my head like ravens, I'm choosing to anchor my soul in gratitude for any goodness I can possibly notice. And one day, in time, I too shall "stand upon the heights" once again.